The Modern Prophet’s School Of Prophecy

This post is intended as satire, mocking false teachers and false prophets, with points exaggerated to emphasize how they contradict the Word of God and true preachers and teachers of the Bible. Every one of these “Rules” go against the teachings of Scripture or contain passages taken out of context to make a point.


The Modern Prophet’s School Of Prophecy:

11 Rules For A Blessed Ministry


  1. 1) Don’t judge anyone or anything, unless it is someone who doesn’t appreciate your ministry. Only condemn those who judge you.


Matthew 7:1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.


  1. 2) Always be positive, no matter how reckless (use the terms bold and adventurous instead) someone’s decisions may be.


1 Kings 22:15 So he came to the king. And the king said unto him, Micaiah, shall we go against Ramothgilead to battle, or shall we forbear? And he answered him, Go, and prosper: for the LORD shall deliver it into the hand of the king.


  1. 3) Always add the words God or Jesus to whatever you are saying. The religious crowd will truly appreciate it. (Plus, it gives you more spiritual authority in their eyes, which is important.)


Judges 18:5-6 And they said unto him, Ask counsel, we pray thee, of God, that we may know whether our way which we go shall be prosperous. And the priest said unto them, Go in peace: before the LORD is your way wherein ye go.


  1. 4) Never say anything negative. You don’t want to curse yourself unintentionally.


Job 3:25 For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.


  1. 5) Make sure you always focus on your dreams - I mean literal dreams (who cares if you ate too much pizza last night). We have tons of material from Carl Jung and others that we can use to fairly accurately guess at the true meanings of your dreams.


Jeremiah 23:28 The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat? saith the LORD.


  1. 6) Don’t let the nay-sayers critique your teachings. (Who are they anyway?) Make them feel they are treading on dangerous ground and hindering the work of the Spirit by doing so (do not specify what spirit you mean - everyone loves a mystery).


Ephesians 4:30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.


  1. 7) Don’t worry when other “Christians” say you are adding to or taking away from the Word of God with your prophecies. If you never quote any actual Scripture, can that really be true?


Revelation 22:18-19 For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.


Make sure you use a modern version when quoting this passage. Saying, “God shall take away his part out of the tree of life” is so much less intimidating than saying their name will not be in the book of life.


  1. 8) Don’t ever admit to wrongdoing or wrong teaching. Just change and adapt as necessary. The chaff will be blown away anyway.


Job 21:18 They are as stubble before the wind, and as chaff that the storm carrieth away.


  1. 9) Make sure you keep busy, first and foremost. God would never condemn a busy church or ministry, would He? Doesn’t matter what you are doing, look busy. God will notice, for sure.


Revelation 2:19 I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first.


  1. 10) Love everybody and everything. Doesn’t matter what or who - the world loves to love!


1 John 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.


When quoting this verse, make sure you omit the word “him”, like in the modern versions. It’s more important to love your fellow man. God has to bless that, doesn’t He?

  1. 11) Never actually read the context of any of the verses you are quoting. It limits what you want to say, and may in fact have a totally different meaning than you intend. But don't let that stop you (or scare you)!

If you follow The Modern Prophet’s Rules of Ministry, you will be blessed indeed. Don’t just take my word for it - I promise you God will notice everything that you do in this ministry. You will be up there with the greats of the world. In fact, in the afterlife, you will be with all of those teachers you so admired and followed: Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and all the rest. For eternity, guaranteed…


October 8th, 2026

Jerry Bouey

Comments

Anonymous said…
You are right Sir. Just sad that these strange philosophies are actually practiced.
4:15 PM

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